Whenever people think of Australians, they think tanned, blonde Chris Hemsworth’s who are always at the beach and are constantly in the sun. I, as a fair dinkum Aussie, embody none of these traits. I go a bold shade of tomato as soon as sunlight hits my skin and spend those scorching Australian summers becoming intimate with my air conditioner.

Recently my city experienced some of the hottest nights we’ve ever had on records; I can always tell if it’s hot when I have crazy dreams, so when I tell you that last night I dreamt that my parents adopted my ex-boyfriend and made me call him bro-jam you know it was a scorcher. But fear not, other likeminded temperature sensitive shadow dwellers! Here are my top tips for beating the heat this summer.

1. Invest in a good icepack

Just as I am passionate about a hot water bottle in the depths of winter, so too will I partake in an ice pack during summer. Nothing says I am fine with the world bursting into flames around me than a lunch box ice brick wrapped in a tea towel popped on your forehead. In fact, I predict it will be all the rage for the summer collections in Milan. No icepack? No worries my sweaty friend. A bag of frozen peas will do in a pinch (and it probably counts as a serve of veggies too.)

2. More fans than a football stadium

This summer, something terrible happened at my local K-Mart: they ran out of fans. Seriously. You could not get a fan in Sydney even if you offered up your firstborn. My advice? Prepare early; buy out your local K-Mart, Target or fan emporium’s supply of fans before the Summer heat waves start to kick in, then sell them at a 300% mark up. Not only will you be able to build a Game of Thrones style throne out of stand fans, you will become the Don of your own fan black market. Plus they’ll make your hair look like you’re in a shampoo commercial.

3. Igloo for you and you and you!

There are two universal truths in this world: brunch is sacred and real estate is expensive. You know what isn’t expensive though? Those $1 bags of ice from the servo. Grab yourself a couple of those and a nice patch of dirt and a few hours later you’ve got yourself an igloo that any Arctic explorer would be envious of. Of course, the raging temperatures you’re trying to escape are eventually going to turn your fancy new digs into a moist pile of regret, but like all moments of cold in summer, it was nice while it lasted.

4. Cya ‘Straya, Halló Iceland

Lets be honest, with global warming rampaging around half of Australia is going to be under water in a New York minute. Escape the wrath of our new fishy overlords by escaping to Iceland; the one place you know will be cold because it has ice in the name! Sure, the national cuisine features tummy rumblers such as Súrir hrútspungar, (more affectionately known as sour ram’s testicles) and the government holds a monopoly on alcohol sales, but you’ll be chilly and far away from Dory and her army of sharks come to take over 42 Wallaby Way Sydney.

5. Take it easy and keep it chill

There are few things we Aussies do better than hanging out and having a chill: we devote entire national holidays to relaxing with friends after all. We keep cool by making sure we don’t miss out on anything, but also don’t exert ourselves in the slightest. Lazy? Maybe. Smart? Bloody oath. That’s why ROVA is a smart idea: now you can take awesome photos and videos without leaving the comfort of your shady space that, if your family picnics are anything like mine, you are protecting with your life. With ROVA you’ll never have to miss out on those special moments with your mates; simply control ROVA from your smart phone and it will do the capturing for you. That sounds like a cool idea to me.

So stay cools this summer with ROVA and remember: if you too become a lobster the moment you step out into that glorious summer sun, you are not alone. I salute you, my lobster brethren.